I've Got My Perfect Child Back!

Yep, he's back, FS#2 is behaving as the perfect child. He is buzzing around the house doing all his chores; he took the trash can out a day early. He is even doing things without being asked such as cleaning out the car, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning, organizing, etc... Of course I am very amused by all of this. This spate of perfection is temporary. It is occurring as a direct result of the 'bad' week we had last week. He is hoping that if he is perfect a) that I won't send him away because of the 'bad' things he did, b) I will overlook the 'bad' things he did last week and still get him his own computer and c) that we are still 'all-right'. But in addition to all the anxiety he is displaying being the perfect child, there is also an attitude of relief, the-weight-of-the-world-just-got-lifted-of-my-shoulders-giddy-as-a-school-girl type of relief. He had a bad week that in the past would have disrupted his placement and yet he is still here, in HIS room, with HIS cats in HIS home. Yes, he is quite giddy with relief.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the 'bad' week involved inappropriate use of the cell phone, and the computer. Once I investigated further, I found that the picture were just the tip of the iceberg. I found evidence that lead me to believe that there could be potential legal and safety issues involved, which is why I called a team meeting. So perhaps you are wondering what I did about all of this. Well actually, I did very little. I did not ground him, I did not confiscate his cell phone nor did I restrict or eliminate his computer privileges. So what did I do???? I calmly had a conversation with him. I told him I was worried about those pictures and I hoped that those pictures were not stored on my computer because that would be terribly inappropriate. He assured be that there was only 1 picture (little lie) and that were not stored on the computer, he wouldn't do that (another little lie). I told him I was glad that they were not on the computer (so I lied too), because I liked our relationship the way it is and I would hate it if I felt I couldn't trust him and had to invade his privacy to check up on him. He insisted that wouldn't be necessary that he hasn't done anything wrong and he is trustworthy. I told him "Good" cause I like being able to trust him. As far as I was concerned the topic was closed. Not for him! He proceed to claim his innocence and trustworthiness and that he never gave me any reason not to trust him and he didn't understand why I was doing this to him. The only thing I said was "I do trust you and I'm not doing anything to you".

So why did I do very little in the way of providing consequences? Because for this kid, it seem to me to be the best way to go. In part because much of what he was doing is developmentally appropriate. OK in bad taste, in bad judgement, but developmentally appropriate. The problem is that his behavior may be developmentally appropriate but he does not have the social or emotional skills to handle this particular developmentally appropriate behavior. In his previous placements he was expected to be perfect and when he wasn't, he was punished and if that didn't work he was removed. I felt that punitive action for something that is developmentally appropriate and is being done by all the other kids he knows could break his spirit. And I have worked very hard to earn this kid's trust and convince him that we could work out anything no matter what, as long as we were willing to talk about it. Coming in and cracking down and removing all of his privileges I felt would do more harm than good.

The other reason I did very little is that I went back and reviewed the boundaries that I had set up for cell phone and computer use. And I realized that there was nothing wrong with the boundaries that I set up, the problem came in the implementation. He was doing so well. He had progressed so far. He gave me no cause for concern and perhaps I got a little lax in monitoring his use... ok so I got very lax in monitoring. So, I have to take some responsibility for what occurred during the 'bad' week. By having that conversation with him, I was giving him the opportunity to correct one of his bad decisions which I thought would be much more effective then having me go in and remove the inappropriate material.

In addition to that short conversation, I am in the process of writing down the 'house rules'. Rules, curfews, chores, expectations, consequences and rewards will be clearly outlined. These 'house rules' will be generated in collaboration with FS#2 so that that I have his buy in. This will hopefully avoided in confusion or miscommunication. Also, it will help to keep me honest.

I'm not suggesting that this will work for every kid; FS#2 and I are bonded, he doesn't like to disappoint me, he likes to please me and feels guilt when does disappoint me.

Oh and if anyone is interested, when I went and checked the inappropriate material had been removed and he came to me and told me that I had permission to look at his account anytime I wanted, now and even when he gets his own computer. [He is still holding out hope, though I think a little bit more demonstration of responsibility and better decision making skills are in order first]

Interlude #4

Conversation I had with FS#1 this week.

FS#1: I have a bump on my back

Me: A pimple?

FS#1: No! A bump!

Me: Did you fall?

FS#1: No, it's a bump, kinda like a pimple but bigger!

Me: [thinking for a bit] When was the last time you showered?

FS#2: Night before I started going back to track practice (issues with shin splints)

Me: You mean Sunday? (it is now wed)

FS#2: No! the night before I went back to track practice. Didn't I go back on Friday...what day did I start back up?

Me: [thinking if it was Friday, that is even worse] No you started back on Monday.

FS#2: oh

Me: The reason I asked is sometimes your pores can get clogged with dirt and cause bumps.

FS#2: oh

At this point he got up and went and took a shower. I am so proud of myself. I managed to have this entire conversation without saying eeewh, gross, without making faces and not telling him what to do, well directly anyway!

IRL

IRL= in real life. FS#2 finally has an IRL friend! Oh, if you asked him he has lots of friends, see as he points to his friends list on FB. He chats with them all the time and even talks to some of them on the phone. Okay so he talks to them on the phone a lot according to the detailed billing (and yes I have detailed billing so I can track who his talking to. I have even been known to causally ask who his is talking to, record the time, then go into detailed billing so I can put names to numbers). But all of these 'people' live in different states or countries (had to put a block on that!), and he has never met them. As far as I'm concerned, they are not "real" friends. But he now has a friend that you can reach out and touch, see, hear and smell! I have met this friend so I know he is real and I have even been to the friends house and met his parents! Oh happy days!

What ever happened to my perfect child?

When FS#2 moved in 3 months ago, he worked so hard to be that 'perfect' child...he so desperately wanted to be in a family. Though initially I was not the family he wanted. He didn't want to live with a single black woman--check. He didn't want to be the only child in the house--check. Anyway, he was up, dressed and sitting downstairs by 6 am waiting to go to school even tho the bus didn't come 'til 8 am. He room was meticulously clean as was the bathroom. He removed his laundry from the dryer immediately. He did his chores without asking. He showered every night. Ah, those were the days.

Fast forward to 3 months later. I have to drag him out of bed to make the bus. There are clothes scattered all over his room (along with dishes, apparently he wakes up hungry in the middle of the night and needs to snack, which in his case is generally a repeat of dinner including vegetables!). His clothes have been sitting in the dryer for 3 days now. Chores?! Oh he does them when I remind him, but he is a pro at walking by work without seeing it. He showers, but not frequently enough (for my taste) now that he is running track (nothing like the smell of boy stank wrafting through the air and contary to their belief, febreeze is not a substitute for soap and water). Ah, he is beginning to display the oh so annoying behaviors of a 'real' teen!

I am both horrified and overjoyed at his progress! The last time I had this conflicting feeling was when FS#1 shared with me his FB page!

I am raising two only children

Sigh, the foster parent strategy of raising them as only children seems to be working for me so far. However, I have forgotten how soul-sucking having both of them at home can be.

When FS#1 moved in I realized that he needed to be the only child in the house. He needed and deserved to have 100% of a parent's attention for a change. I told the foster care people that I couldn't take in another teen until I was certain that FS#1 felt secure enough to be ready to share me. I figure that would happen, oh about the time he went to college. So I set about spoiling trying to provide a ‘normal’ senior year experience for him. Which included such things as getting and paying for his cell phone, getting him an x-box for christmas, throwing him a big-ass 18th birthday party, helping him get his driver’s license AND letting him drive my car, buying him a dress shirt and a decent tie (from a department store instead of Wally World) for his prom, allowing him to have friends over, allowing him to spend the night at friends houses and traveling all over the state to attend athletic events (you really know you have become a parent when you are sitting in the pouring rain at a athletic event and the only other people in the stands are the other parents of the team).

So, after FS#1 went to college, I decided that I could have another foster kid (ok so I was experiencing empty nest syndrome!). Ran the idea by FS#1 and he was concerned until I assured him that the new kid would not be put into his room. New kid would have his own room. Funny story, FS#1 sw, Wonderful, was also concerned what would happen to FS#1 if new kid moved in. I had to assure her too, that I was still committed to FS#1 and that his place in the house hierarchy would not be altered. So it was all cleared for FS#2 to move in.

Now since FS#1 is at college, for all intents and purposes, FS#2 is an only child except for school breaks when FS#1 comes home (Oh and when I travel all over the state to attend FS#1 athletic events; he is playing sports in college). The problem comes in that both boys are used to being only children and having 100% of my time and they still behave that way when they both are in the house. It is subtle, there are no fights or confrontations between them, in fact that are quite courteous with each other. But do not be fooled they are still competing for my attention. For example, FS#1 wrote on my christmas gift tag “From your first born”. A not-so-subtle reminder of his place in the hierarchy. They are always checking to see if I have given the other something they don’t have or I’m doing something for the other that I didn’t do for (with) them.

Trying to balance both of their needs is exhausting, emotionally and physically. I hate to say it, but as much as I love having FS#1 home, it is always a bit of a relief when he goes back to college. I always feel like I need to sleep for 24 hours, but of course I can’t ‘cause I’m busy helping FS#2 become a ‘real’ boy (traveling all over the state for athletic events, helping him get his driver’s license....)

Alcohol and Sex Education

Sigh, I may have to start a private blog to record the alcohol and sex talks I have with the boys. Apparentely, I have miscommunicated (again!) the house alcohol policy to man-child FS#1. Is there a word that says NO better than no? You would think that FS#1 would have gotten the message after being arrested for things that stemmed from bad decisions made while under the influence, spending 36 hours in jail, having multiple court dates, spending at least $1,000 of his own money, having a suspended license and other inconviences. But apparentely not. Oh to be 19 and stupid.

I need to have phase 2 talk with FS#2 on sex. Now I know plenty of 20ish and 30ish gay health educators who can do this all important education for me, but the problem people's busy schedules and 16 yo hormones are not compatible. So, into the abyss I go. It doesn't help that the information I pass on to FS#2 will be shared with peers...that is what happen with the phase 1 talk. The pressure, the pressure.

Where does all the food go?!

Last night I baked 20 chicken legs with the idea there would be leftovers. This morning there are 3 count 'em 3 chicken legs in the fridge! Now I ate 2 last night for dinner and I put 3 on FS#2 plate, but that leaves 12 chicken legs unaccounted for! Wait, I packed FS#2's lunch so that accounts for 3 more. Hmmm 9 chicken legs disappeared overnight. And I don't buy the excuse that the cats ate them.

That Pesky Pinocchio Syndrome

Sigh. Had a conversation with FS#2 after track practice today and that pesky pinocchio syndrome raised its ugly head. First of all, FS#2 was riding quite high from track practice. After yesterdays track practice (the first one of the outdoor season). he was in a snitty mood. No one would talk to him, there were too many kids dada dada. Some of his snitty mood was due to the fact he couldn't practice because the physical fitness forms hadn't been turned in, which of course was my fault. Today, he can't stop talking about how great track practice was, how much fun he had and how much he can't wait for the next one. He decided he must transition to the Mainstream High School from his Alternative School. He was talking about how he can get along with most kids even those who smoke dope or drink. Of course HE won't smoke dope or drink but he could still get along and hang out with them. Sigh. All I said to him was have to be careful who you hang out with cause sometimes you can be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get in trouble even if you weren't doing anything. What I was thinking was how FS#1 believed the same thing and for his generosity and open-mindness ended up arrested and spending 36 hours in jail and he was INNOCENT!

Oh that desire to be liked, to have friends and to be just like everyone else is going to get these boys swallowed by the sea monster.

The Joys of Co-parenting with Social Workers

Social Workers; can't live with 'em, but that doesn't stop them from interfering with you parenting your foster child! I know, I know, that when I signed up for this gig that I was opening my life up to scrutiny and unwanted, ridiculous and interfering helpful advice from the 'professionals', but if they don’t want this child blowing out of this placement too (FS#2 blew out of two placements in 9 months), then they need to stop undermining my authority!

FS#2 goes to the alternative school because of his behavioral difficulties. I finally got a meeting schedule with the school to go over his IEP (or the ‘I know he has behavioral problems but that is no excuse not to teach him’ meeting). The meeting was schedule for the first day of track practice. Due to my nagging advocating, FS#2 is going to be able to run track at the Mainstream HS. FS#2 is VERY excited by this; FS#2 longs to be just like everyone else, i.e. not a foster kid. He doesn’t want to miss the first day of track practice. I explained to him that he would make practice, would only miss the first 15 minutes or so of practice. So...FS#2 went a changed the meeting to the day before the first day of track practice. Of course the first time I heard about the meeting change is when FS#2 sw, Eager, called to inform me. And by now of course the meeting change is a done deal and Eager doesn’t see what my problem is. In this same conversation, Eager also mentioned that it was time for FS#2 quarterly review, which maybe we shouldn’t schedule after school because of track practice. Now I explained to Eager that track practice is EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK and with the number of appointments that FS#2 has, he will occasionally miss some practices because between missing practice and missing school, I’m going to pick practice every time. I guess I’m just weird like that. It’s not like I’m at rookie at this, FS#1 ran track for Mainstream HS for 4 years! And this includes the year he was in a group home and you can just imagine how difficult it was for him to get to practice then. The coach understands the situation and gives latitude.

And speaking of which, FS#1 holds Mainstream HS records in the events he ran, so....guess what events FS#2 wants to run! Talk about sibling rivalry!

On top of this, FS#2 went off on me about having to attend the quarterly meeting. He doesn’t understand why he has to go to all these meetings (we just had the home visit last week and the school meeting this week). All these meetings just remind him he is in foster care and he wants to be a ‘real’ boy. Ah yes, the Pinocchio Syndome

The backpack is gone!

As I watched FS#2 board the bus, I realized that he didn't have his backpack. Since this morning's bus boarding did not go smoothly, we are still not on strict bedtime schedule from the 2 weeks of enforced no school, I was thinking he just forgot it in the rush. Then I realized I haven't seen him with is backpack in weeks. I checked his room and lo and behold the backpack was completely unpacked!

When FS#2 first moved in he took his backpack with him EVERYtime we left the house. We could be driving to the end of the driveway to check for the mail, didn't matter, backpack came with him. In the backpack was all the things that were important to him, journal, artwork, stories he had written, cards, anything that he felt made up his identity. Clearly FS#2 suffers from abandoment issues--like no duh! When you never knew if/when your Mom was going to come back to pick you up, you learn to be prepared.

I guess FS#2 has decided that he might be staying here longtime after all.

Think Pink!

Last night was the Think Pink! basketball game for raising awareness about breast cancer. FS#2 loves to go with me to the women’s basketball games. Sporting events are one place where his over the top ADHD behavior will be tolerated and he gets to hang out with The Village. So when I came out wearing a pink race shirt over my long sleeve shirt, he complained that he didn’t have anything pink to wear to the game. He ended up selecting my pink Ann Taylor blouse to wear to the game. As I stood there watching FS#2 model his snazzy sartorial outfit (my pink blouse, over a black t-shirt, wearing a hat and sunglasses) I had conflicting emotions:

That FS#2 is wearing MY Ann Taylor blouse

That FS#2 is wearing a woman’s blouse and I’m finding it disconcerting

That I’m disconcerted by this

That clearly I need to work more on my cultural competency and acceptance

That FS#2 is FREAKIN' FABULOUS!

So off the the game we go. It was a fantastic game (my team won!) and FS#2 was, well....FREAKIN' FABULOUS! All the middle school girls thought he was charming and was taking his picture (little did they know their girly charms and flirtatious looks had no effect on FS#2). At one point he was running up the stairs of the arena, I swear he was channeling Roy Schneider in a dance number from “All that Jazz”. It was most definitely Showtime!

It always amazes me how much my attempt to be the best parent for my foster sons have changed me. In order for me to parent them better, I have been forced to confront and resolve some of my deep-seated issues. In order for me to parent them better, I have struggled to overcome prejudices I didn’t even know I had. In order to parent them better I have had to let go of control so that they can become the best people for them and not who I think they should be.

Is it child abuse...

to take advantage of your child’s neurosis for your own personal gain?

FS#2 (whose story I will eventually get around to summarizing) had a chaotic childhood. One of the outcomes of this chaotic childhood is his need to keep his personal space neat and organized. Almost obsessively so. Now I am only an average housekeeping (as mentioned in another post), quite frankly I usually have better things to do than clean, and now the FS#2 is becoming more comfortable living here, his personal space is expanding beyond his bedroom.

So when he becomes a little stressed, like after being trapped in the house because of back-to-back-to-back snowstorms, he cleans. Yesterday, he reorganized the junk room, cleaned the living room and kitchen (Ha! He now just demonstrated that he CAN indeed put dishes in the dishwasher!). Now I should add that FS#2 has a few issues with ADHD, so he cleans like a whirling dervish and if anyone has worked with ADHD kids, they know that sometimes attention deficient can translate into unreasonable focused, so it is hard to direct or guide his cleaning efforts. So he has a tendency to clean what he thinks needs attention and not where I would prefer. Also remember that his cleaning jags generally only occur when he is stressed, the rest of the time I still have to nag him to pick up after his self, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the milk away, take his clothes upstairs etc... you know typically kid behavior. That all being said...

is it child abuse to loll around the house while your child cleans?

I should be grateful....

that FS#2 is cleaning, but I'm not. In part he is cleaning because he thinks I can not clean. Now I admit housecleaning is not my forte, but much of what he cleaned was HIS MESSES! He proudly annouced when I walked in the door that he cleaned the dishes and that he get to the dishes in the sink after they soaked. Hmmm the dishes in the sink that HE put there! He actually put dishes in the dishwasher (his dishes may I add, I put mine in the disherwasher) and he mopped the kitchen floor. The floor that was stained with kool-aid he spilled. He is very proud of himself.

I know I should be grateful, but right now I'm just annoyed. This will only make him more unbearable as he comments on my cleaning abilities (usually when I'm in the kitchen cleaning up after him).

So what did I do? I thanked and praised him for cleaning. I smiled through gritted teeth when he mentioned that the junk room really wasn't the messy (something I been saying all along) and thanked him again for his help.

Some days positive reinforcement gives me a headache.