I've Got My Perfect Child Back!

Yep, he's back, FS#2 is behaving as the perfect child. He is buzzing around the house doing all his chores; he took the trash can out a day early. He is even doing things without being asked such as cleaning out the car, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning, organizing, etc... Of course I am very amused by all of this. This spate of perfection is temporary. It is occurring as a direct result of the 'bad' week we had last week. He is hoping that if he is perfect a) that I won't send him away because of the 'bad' things he did, b) I will overlook the 'bad' things he did last week and still get him his own computer and c) that we are still 'all-right'. But in addition to all the anxiety he is displaying being the perfect child, there is also an attitude of relief, the-weight-of-the-world-just-got-lifted-of-my-shoulders-giddy-as-a-school-girl type of relief. He had a bad week that in the past would have disrupted his placement and yet he is still here, in HIS room, with HIS cats in HIS home. Yes, he is quite giddy with relief.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the 'bad' week involved inappropriate use of the cell phone, and the computer. Once I investigated further, I found that the picture were just the tip of the iceberg. I found evidence that lead me to believe that there could be potential legal and safety issues involved, which is why I called a team meeting. So perhaps you are wondering what I did about all of this. Well actually, I did very little. I did not ground him, I did not confiscate his cell phone nor did I restrict or eliminate his computer privileges. So what did I do???? I calmly had a conversation with him. I told him I was worried about those pictures and I hoped that those pictures were not stored on my computer because that would be terribly inappropriate. He assured be that there was only 1 picture (little lie) and that were not stored on the computer, he wouldn't do that (another little lie). I told him I was glad that they were not on the computer (so I lied too), because I liked our relationship the way it is and I would hate it if I felt I couldn't trust him and had to invade his privacy to check up on him. He insisted that wouldn't be necessary that he hasn't done anything wrong and he is trustworthy. I told him "Good" cause I like being able to trust him. As far as I was concerned the topic was closed. Not for him! He proceed to claim his innocence and trustworthiness and that he never gave me any reason not to trust him and he didn't understand why I was doing this to him. The only thing I said was "I do trust you and I'm not doing anything to you".

So why did I do very little in the way of providing consequences? Because for this kid, it seem to me to be the best way to go. In part because much of what he was doing is developmentally appropriate. OK in bad taste, in bad judgement, but developmentally appropriate. The problem is that his behavior may be developmentally appropriate but he does not have the social or emotional skills to handle this particular developmentally appropriate behavior. In his previous placements he was expected to be perfect and when he wasn't, he was punished and if that didn't work he was removed. I felt that punitive action for something that is developmentally appropriate and is being done by all the other kids he knows could break his spirit. And I have worked very hard to earn this kid's trust and convince him that we could work out anything no matter what, as long as we were willing to talk about it. Coming in and cracking down and removing all of his privileges I felt would do more harm than good.

The other reason I did very little is that I went back and reviewed the boundaries that I had set up for cell phone and computer use. And I realized that there was nothing wrong with the boundaries that I set up, the problem came in the implementation. He was doing so well. He had progressed so far. He gave me no cause for concern and perhaps I got a little lax in monitoring his use... ok so I got very lax in monitoring. So, I have to take some responsibility for what occurred during the 'bad' week. By having that conversation with him, I was giving him the opportunity to correct one of his bad decisions which I thought would be much more effective then having me go in and remove the inappropriate material.

In addition to that short conversation, I am in the process of writing down the 'house rules'. Rules, curfews, chores, expectations, consequences and rewards will be clearly outlined. These 'house rules' will be generated in collaboration with FS#2 so that that I have his buy in. This will hopefully avoided in confusion or miscommunication. Also, it will help to keep me honest.

I'm not suggesting that this will work for every kid; FS#2 and I are bonded, he doesn't like to disappoint me, he likes to please me and feels guilt when does disappoint me.

Oh and if anyone is interested, when I went and checked the inappropriate material had been removed and he came to me and told me that I had permission to look at his account anytime I wanted, now and even when he gets his own computer. [He is still holding out hope, though I think a little bit more demonstration of responsibility and better decision making skills are in order first]

A Surprise!

Got a text message from FS#1. He told me to keep an eye out for a package he is sending me. He hopes I like the present. Oh little does he know...the fact that he even thought to send me a present and it not being my birthday, mother's day, or any holiday, pretty much assures I will like it no matter what.

A Love Story

Got an email today from FS#1. It was a short email, only 4 lines, but he said 'I love you' or 'I miss you' like 5 times in this short email. And everytime I read 'I love you' or 'I miss you' my heart broke just a little.

I've read enough adoption/foster care blogs to know that some Mom's out there in blogsphere would jump for joy to hear those words uttered by their child. And yet these words are breaking my heart. And why? First of all he is saying so much more than 'I love you I miss you'. He is seeking/needing reassurance, he is saying 'I love you I miss you', I need you. Do you love me? Do you miss me? Do you need me? Without you I am not sure I know who I am. I trust you. I can be me with you. I feel safe with you. I can only sleep well when I am at home. Don't leave me. Ever. Please.

Second of all, this is new behavior. Since Feb. every email, every text contains multiple 'I love you I miss you'. Sometimes the only thing he says in the text is 'I love you I miss you'. During his first semester of college I received lots of texts, but they were mostly about college life and classes and people he met and how college wasn't anything like high school. His communications were relaxed, joyful and carefree. Now, they seem clingy, desperate and needy. So what changed? What happened? I don't think it is a coincidence that these 'I love you I miss you' emails started about the same time as the sudden contact with relatives of his birth mother. Out of the blue his aunts contacted him through FB. Why now? He hasn't seen or heard from them since he 3. What do they want? Does this change who he is? Do they want to be part of his life? Should he, can he, let them be part of his life? How does this affect my relationship with TT? These are the questions he asked me during a 90 minute phone call. This contact has shaken him to his very core. It has made him uncertain. It has made him question who he is.

For the last 18 months, every since he moved in, FS#1 has been happy. He has told me he does not remember the last time he felt happy and certainly not the happiness he feels now. He belongs. He has a family. He has a Mom. He chose me to be his mom and I chose him to be my son. He has a home. He has a safe place to come back to. He has an anchor. And this anchor gives him the freedom to fly, to freely explore all that is out there, to be able to take chances, to have enough time, space and safety to figure out who he is. And all because I chose him to be my son and he chose me to be his mom. As more months pass he tells me he finds it harder and harder to remember the bad times. The time before. He used going away to college as an opportunity to choose his identity, to define who he is and what type of person he wants to be. At college, he no longer was just a foster child, he no longer was defined by his traumatic past. Oh he does not deny who he is or what is past is but he gets to choose who knows what. He has a parent to come to parent's weekend, he has a mom whom he can talk about, talk to. He gets to tell stories about family vacations and all the stupid, wonderful things that families do. He does not deny he is a foster kid, but he no longer has to be defined by it, he now has the opportunity to be so much more. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and yes, I tell him that at every opportunity. But now, he is uncertain, now he is unsure, now he is insecure, now he is not sure what or where his foundation is. And the gates of hell are prevailing.

And so my heart breaks.

But I realize I do have one gift I can give him that may help him feel more secure in his foundation. I can adopt him. He knows that I am committed to him, that I love him, that I will always be there for him, that no matter what he does he will always be my son. But like committed unmarried couples who have stated that getting that of paper does make a difference in the relationship, he has no tangible symbol of my commitment to him. An adoption decree would give him that tangible symbol. It would mean that I am his mom and he is my son, we are a family, permanently, legally. What God has brought together, let no one tear asunder.

And so I proposed to him that I adopt him. He has not given me his answer yet, but I overheard him telling friends that he will probably be changing his last name to 'Boot'. So I'm thinking that his answer will be yes when he finally gets around to telling me. And I'm also hoping that once FS#1 has a permanent, legal foundation, he will have the confidence and security to explore his roots, to contact his mom's relatives, to incorporate that part of him into his identity.

So, and this may sound strange, I hope that upon his adoption there will be fewer 'I love you I miss you', that he can go back to taking things for granted. That he will no longer need to say 'I love you I miss you' because he needs reassurance. Oh, I hope he will still say 'I love you' to me, but it will be as he takes the $20 from my hand as he flies out the door to hang out with his friends.

I hope that upon his adoption when I do read 'I love you I miss you' my heart will swell not break because he is certain, he is secure, he knows what, where and whom his foundation is. And hell will no longer prevail.

Upon this rock

I chose you to be my son

You chose me to be your mom

Mom, I love you, I miss you, Son

It's just paint

When the boys moved in I try to do something that would make them feel welcomed in my home and make their room feel like it is indeed their room. The something generally involves paint. Painting their rooms is a nice bonding experience.

I asked FS#1 what color he wanted to paint his room, he could paint it any color after all it is just paint. So of course he picked black. Great, calling my bluff, the thought of a total black room was...shudder. So we negotiated on one black wall. Then he asked if he could have his friends sign his walls. I told him that we could work with that. There just so happens to be something called blackboard paint and we can paint an entire wall with it so he and his friends can draw on the wall all you want. In the end, he ended up with a dark grey wall and ceiling, gold walls and centered in the middle of the dark grey wall, one fantastic chalkboard. The color scheme would not be my choice but I have to admit, it worked. I got him those liquid chalk pens that come in brilliant fluorescent colors (and are washable--bonus!) to use on the chalk board. I also told him he was responsible for what his friends wrote on the wall. If I was forced to remove inappropriate writing, I would not be held responsible for what all I erased. He did a great job of policing his friends.

Fast forward to the week before he went to college. FS#1 and I were sitting on his bed staring at his wall. He talked about how much he loved that wall, pointed out favorite or special graffiti how cool his friends thought the wall was and that he was the only one in his posse that had something like this. He also wished he could take the wall to college with him. I told him he could take a picture of is wall for college, but that the wall will still be here for when he comes home.

Now I know that the chalk board was all about marking his territory, staking his claim or whatever. I also know that part of the desire to write on the walls stems from an early developmental age that he did not get to experience. The wall is also tangible representation of permanency. I know all that psycho babble stuff, but what is really important, that wall made me the coolest mom in his posse!

10 am and it is still quiet

By the sound of complete quiet (okay with the exception of FS#2 cats who apparentely got into the cat nip and are partying down in his room), you wouldn't know that there are 4 teenage boys in my house! Well you wouldn't know it as long as I don't look in the kitchen where the remains from the midnight snacks are still waiting for me to clean them up.

Because of the instability of FS#1 early childhood, he never had very many friends. So now his friends are very important to him. So important that bad decisions have been made because of wanting to keep friends close. So important that he and his close friends traveling in packs when he is home on breaks. And I do mean travel in a pack. Enough so that one of his friends annouced when he walked through the door that it was good to see me cause he missed my cooking! The pack alternates at whose house they sleep and tonight it was at my house.

Permanency means having a house where your friends can just drop in and hang out for a while.

Interlude #2

FS#1 had successfully passed his 18th birthday without leaving foster care. His sw and the foster care placement worker were so pleased with his placement they asked me about taking in another teen. I told them I would have to take it up with FS#1 cause the decision would effect him and I didn't think he was ready to give up his only child status.

So I broached the subject of another foster child with FS#1 and his response to me was:

"Oh no! You don't know what you will get!"

Ah, how quickly they forget!

College essay

This is an excerpt from FS#1 college essay; all identifying information has been removed. The essay is reprinted here both with his permission and in his language (I edited the final copy for grammar). The imagery that he invokes nearly brought me to tears the first time I read it.

Perseverance

I was raised around a lot of people who went away and came back. They were not the best people to influence a child and throughout my life I’ve had to rise above much of what I have experienced. I have come to know the meaning of hard work after participating in a lot of extracurricular and life activities. They became my escape from the environment I have worked so hard to overcome. With so much negativity around me, I’ve learned how to listen and learn from the mistakes of my many foster parents.

People around me made a point to say that I could not succeed. I was told that like most, I would become a product of my environment. College was far off for me, something I would hear about only while watching television. My street was filled with “has-beens:” high school basketball players with talent who believed they were going to the big show. Even for my gifted neighbors, college was not an option because of grades and our horrible school system. I felt as if I was going to become like them -- just another statistic. Starting over was something I had gotten used to in my life, having already moved to my third foster family by then. I’ve handled those changes and have come to depend on the unsteady nature of my home life. Most of these sudden changes I had little control over. Leaving on somebody else’s terms was the theme of my life.

During high school I had another family switch and decided to play sports as a means of coping. Since 10th grade I have managed four varsity sports in three seasons. With the challenge of home and school, sports helped me to balance study and a busy schedule. It gave me skills in problem solving and in expressing myself, but more importantly, it was a great distraction to situation.

My goal is to create the circumstances of my life and going to college is the first step. As I’ve gotten old enough to think about my future, it has become important to me to live on my own terms with healthy goodbyes and encouraging support. I want the chance to be happy and I know that going to college will propel me into an environment where that is really possible.

I am raising two only children

Sigh, the foster parent strategy of raising them as only children seems to be working for me so far. However, I have forgotten how soul-sucking having both of them at home can be.

When FS#1 moved in I realized that he needed to be the only child in the house. He needed and deserved to have 100% of a parent's attention for a change. I told the foster care people that I couldn't take in another teen until I was certain that FS#1 felt secure enough to be ready to share me. I figure that would happen, oh about the time he went to college. So I set about spoiling trying to provide a ‘normal’ senior year experience for him. Which included such things as getting and paying for his cell phone, getting him an x-box for christmas, throwing him a big-ass 18th birthday party, helping him get his driver’s license AND letting him drive my car, buying him a dress shirt and a decent tie (from a department store instead of Wally World) for his prom, allowing him to have friends over, allowing him to spend the night at friends houses and traveling all over the state to attend athletic events (you really know you have become a parent when you are sitting in the pouring rain at a athletic event and the only other people in the stands are the other parents of the team).

So, after FS#1 went to college, I decided that I could have another foster kid (ok so I was experiencing empty nest syndrome!). Ran the idea by FS#1 and he was concerned until I assured him that the new kid would not be put into his room. New kid would have his own room. Funny story, FS#1 sw, Wonderful, was also concerned what would happen to FS#1 if new kid moved in. I had to assure her too, that I was still committed to FS#1 and that his place in the house hierarchy would not be altered. So it was all cleared for FS#2 to move in.

Now since FS#1 is at college, for all intents and purposes, FS#2 is an only child except for school breaks when FS#1 comes home (Oh and when I travel all over the state to attend FS#1 athletic events; he is playing sports in college). The problem comes in that both boys are used to being only children and having 100% of my time and they still behave that way when they both are in the house. It is subtle, there are no fights or confrontations between them, in fact that are quite courteous with each other. But do not be fooled they are still competing for my attention. For example, FS#1 wrote on my christmas gift tag “From your first born”. A not-so-subtle reminder of his place in the hierarchy. They are always checking to see if I have given the other something they don’t have or I’m doing something for the other that I didn’t do for (with) them.

Trying to balance both of their needs is exhausting, emotionally and physically. I hate to say it, but as much as I love having FS#1 home, it is always a bit of a relief when he goes back to college. I always feel like I need to sleep for 24 hours, but of course I can’t ‘cause I’m busy helping FS#2 become a ‘real’ boy (traveling all over the state for athletic events, helping him get his driver’s license....)

Tired

Last night around 5:30 pm got a text from FS#1, "Im catchn a ride ride late tonight!" I translate messaage to be I'm catching a ride home late tonight. Apparently, FS#1 has no classes on friday (how the heck he swing that?!) and found a ride home for spring break early. I wasn't expecting him until sat.!

So at 11:30 pm got text "Im just leavin nw" It's a 2.5 hour drive from College to Home. So first thing I text back is "Is ur ride dropping u off @ house?" An hour later I get the reply that it is indeed door to door service. So what do I do? Stay up waiting for FS#1 to arrive home. He arrives around 2 am and second thing he does is hit the fridge (the 1st thing is to give me a BIG hug).

FS#1 is very glad to be home on spring break. He is HOMESICK. The fact that he is homesick is a big deal. This is the kid who planned to walk out of the system on his 18th birthday. This is the kid who couldn't wait to leave every single placement he had...until now. Poor kid, just before he left for college he realized that for the first time he wasn't running away from a living situation. He got HOMESICK. He got homesick before he even left home! This was the first place that was Home, a safe secure place to be. Never Ever Underestimate the power of PERMANENCY.

So now I'm tired, couldn't sleep in like FS#1 cause had to get up to make sure FS#2 got off to school, but I wouldn't have it anyother way.

The Joys of Co-parenting with Social Workers

Social Workers; can't live with 'em, but that doesn't stop them from interfering with you parenting your foster child! I know, I know, that when I signed up for this gig that I was opening my life up to scrutiny and unwanted, ridiculous and interfering helpful advice from the 'professionals', but if they don’t want this child blowing out of this placement too (FS#2 blew out of two placements in 9 months), then they need to stop undermining my authority!

FS#2 goes to the alternative school because of his behavioral difficulties. I finally got a meeting schedule with the school to go over his IEP (or the ‘I know he has behavioral problems but that is no excuse not to teach him’ meeting). The meeting was schedule for the first day of track practice. Due to my nagging advocating, FS#2 is going to be able to run track at the Mainstream HS. FS#2 is VERY excited by this; FS#2 longs to be just like everyone else, i.e. not a foster kid. He doesn’t want to miss the first day of track practice. I explained to him that he would make practice, would only miss the first 15 minutes or so of practice. So...FS#2 went a changed the meeting to the day before the first day of track practice. Of course the first time I heard about the meeting change is when FS#2 sw, Eager, called to inform me. And by now of course the meeting change is a done deal and Eager doesn’t see what my problem is. In this same conversation, Eager also mentioned that it was time for FS#2 quarterly review, which maybe we shouldn’t schedule after school because of track practice. Now I explained to Eager that track practice is EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK and with the number of appointments that FS#2 has, he will occasionally miss some practices because between missing practice and missing school, I’m going to pick practice every time. I guess I’m just weird like that. It’s not like I’m at rookie at this, FS#1 ran track for Mainstream HS for 4 years! And this includes the year he was in a group home and you can just imagine how difficult it was for him to get to practice then. The coach understands the situation and gives latitude.

And speaking of which, FS#1 holds Mainstream HS records in the events he ran, so....guess what events FS#2 wants to run! Talk about sibling rivalry!

On top of this, FS#2 went off on me about having to attend the quarterly meeting. He doesn’t understand why he has to go to all these meetings (we just had the home visit last week and the school meeting this week). All these meetings just remind him he is in foster care and he wants to be a ‘real’ boy. Ah yes, the Pinocchio Syndome

Is it child abuse...

to take advantage of your child’s neurosis for your own personal gain?

FS#2 (whose story I will eventually get around to summarizing) had a chaotic childhood. One of the outcomes of this chaotic childhood is his need to keep his personal space neat and organized. Almost obsessively so. Now I am only an average housekeeping (as mentioned in another post), quite frankly I usually have better things to do than clean, and now the FS#2 is becoming more comfortable living here, his personal space is expanding beyond his bedroom.

So when he becomes a little stressed, like after being trapped in the house because of back-to-back-to-back snowstorms, he cleans. Yesterday, he reorganized the junk room, cleaned the living room and kitchen (Ha! He now just demonstrated that he CAN indeed put dishes in the dishwasher!). Now I should add that FS#2 has a few issues with ADHD, so he cleans like a whirling dervish and if anyone has worked with ADHD kids, they know that sometimes attention deficient can translate into unreasonable focused, so it is hard to direct or guide his cleaning efforts. So he has a tendency to clean what he thinks needs attention and not where I would prefer. Also remember that his cleaning jags generally only occur when he is stressed, the rest of the time I still have to nag him to pick up after his self, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the milk away, take his clothes upstairs etc... you know typically kid behavior. That all being said...

is it child abuse to loll around the house while your child cleans?

Accidental Foster parent--or how I came to foster parent

It was never my intention to be a foster parent--at one point in my life I considered it, but decided it was not for me. Ah the cruel irony of fate! I have known the future FS#1 since he ran away from home (if running away means his adoptive parent dropped him off at my Agency saying "You take him, I don't want him anymore" of course she denied this at her trial, but I am getting ahead of myself here). At the time I met the future FS#1 I was working at a local non-profit human services organization. I came in to work one morning and saw a teenager in one of the interview rooms. This chid was sitting there trying to make himself as small as possible. My heart went out to him. Then I heard the story and my heart damn near stopped. His story (or as much of it that can be told)...

FS#1 was born in Another State. What facts as I know them (Another State is noterious for bad record keeping) is that FS#1 was born to a drug addicted mother. FS#1 spent weeks in the hospital before he was released and then he was released directly into foster care. Unfortunately, during FS#1 infancy it was discovered that he suffered from a chronic disease that if provided with the proper medical care is managable, but without the proper medical care.... Sometime during the preteen years they left Another State and moved here. All during this time adoptive parent told FS#1 that he would not live past 10 and oops when he did stopped providing proper medical care. Now adoptive parent did not stop medical care, but the medical care became haphazard and as a result compromised FS#1 health. FS#1's MDs reported his deteriorating health to CPS, but the investigation kept coming back non-founded. In addition to the lack of proper medical care, FS#1 also suffer emotional, mental and physical abuse. Finally when he entered his teen years, FS#1 got one beating too many, he left home. CPS finally found for abuse and found that the abuse was serious enough to charge adoptive parent with neglect. The adoptive parent was found guilty of the charges and sentenced to 9 months. When FS#1 heard about the verdict his only reply was "Finally, someone believed me"

As I mentioned, I have known FS#1 since he left his adoptive home. As it turned out, I was also friends with the family who fostered him after he left his adoptive home. So I was privy to much that went right and then what went wrong with that placement. As I am fond of saying "the placement worked until it didn't". When it was working everyone (including FS#1; he even had the school change his last name to the foster family surname for his sports jersey) decided that adoption of FS#1 was the way to go. Then the placement wasn't working; FS#1 was acting out, he ran away, snuck out at night, etc... FS#1 put a stop to the adoption process, then figured out a way to disrupt the placement. However, what happened aftr the disruption was not part of his plan. He went from his foster home to a group home, to a therapeutic foster home, to a residential treatment program (RTP). Thoughout all of this I stayed in touch, mostly by just showing up at his athletic events (where he ignored me most of the time, but always checked to see if I was there before he belatenly ignored me). When he moved into the RTP, I got permission from his sw (Wonderful) to go and visit him once a week. During this time we developed our relationship, I brought him treats, books and took him out on passes. After a particularly emotional 4th of July (FS#1 cried for 3 days when he realized that he would never have family BBQ's; this was tiggered by a conversation with his peers), he started talking about giving living with a family another try. Up until then, he kept talking about leaving the system when he turned 18 cause he don't need no stinking family (Ah, those are my words, his were a bit more graphic).

Well we decided to give the having him live with me thing a go just in time for me to enroll in that fall's foster parenting classes. Wonderful decided that social services would do a kinship care with us since I had a prior relationship with FS#1 and it would be faster. So on Nov 21st 2008, FS#1 moved into my home at age 17 years 9 months. I knew at the time that if I didn't form a strong bond with FS#1, he would be walking out my door on his 18th birthday. Well to make a long story short, he didn't move out on his 18th birthday, he graduated from HS with an advance diploma, he took a did remarkedly average on his SATs and he is currently in college.

As part of the negogiating living in my house, I used the Permanency Pact that can be found of the FosterClub website to work out with I was willing to give and what he would be willing to accept from me. I can not stress how important using this worksheet was in establishing the relationship FS#1 and I enjoy now. As a result, I have made a committment to FS#1 for life. I am committed to keeping his room his room until he graduates from college (or to when he no longer needs it anymore, since more and more kids are moving home after college).

As result of my success with FS#1, (and the fact I had one more bedroom available), I completed the requirements to do regular foster care (ok, so I still working on that, I didn't realize how good I had it doing kinship care!). FS#2 was placed with me Dec. 4th, 2009.