Do not be fooled

My household doesn't always run smoothly. I am not describing perfect children here, after all they are teenagers. Living with teenagers is a bit like living with cats:

• they accept affection on their terms
• they spend most of their time ignoring you
• they have sharp claws
• they will turn and scratch/hiss at you seemly without provocation
• they want you to clean up their messes and if you don't they will make messes out of the proscribed area
• they sleep all day
• they want to go out all night
• they don't want to tell you where they been
• Some have an aversion to soap and water
• they want to eat on demand
• they can be picky eaters
• they act as if they are in charge
• your sole purpose in life is to serve them
• they can be cute fuzzy and fun to be around

So, how do I live with the cats in my house? I recognize that like cats I can't control my teens behavior. Therefore, I have very few rules and what rules I have I set up in collaboration with them. I try to see things through their eyes. I know that at age 18 the are legally and technically adults (adults my ass, whoever made that decision should be shot!) and therefore can chose to leave my house for freedom independence. However, the only way they have any hope of being successful on their own is to develop and learn responsibility and the only way to learn responsibility is through practice. So I set up boundaries/responsibilities to help them learn to succeed without me hovering over them, for example, FS#2's computer time. I set the computer up so that certain types of sites are blocked and there are limits on time of day and how long the computer can be used. These were set up in collaboration with him and he agreed to the limits. If something is unreasonable he can come to me and present a good logical reason for why for example a site should be unblocked I do it. I have the same parental controls set up for his phone. I monitor both phone and computer use and if something inappropriate occurs I block, limit or whatever. Usually he doesn't complain because he knew he violated the rules. When he comes to me to get privilege reinstated. (and he has to come to me, I don't tell him I took the privilege away, I just do it and that is it) we talk about. If appropriate the privilege gets reinstated but only after we agree on what will happen the next time privilege is abused. Have avoided many arguments that way, not the sulking, pouting, poor pitiful me, you are only doing this because I'm a foster child attitude though. But we have come up with a solution for that too...if you are going to be in a bad mood, do not share it with everyone, do it in your room.

So far this approach seems to be working for me, but dear god, developing expectations and figuring out appropriate consequences is is hard work and frequently exhausting. It would be much easier to just set rules and exact punishments. Except according to what I learn from Raising Resilient Youth,* my job is as a parent is to teach and model responsibility and not just retaliate for when they disappoint me.

*Raising Resilient Youth is one unit of a youth and family strengthening program provided by COPES, Inc.

IRL

IRL= in real life. FS#2 finally has an IRL friend! Oh, if you asked him he has lots of friends, see as he points to his friends list on FB. He chats with them all the time and even talks to some of them on the phone. Okay so he talks to them on the phone a lot according to the detailed billing (and yes I have detailed billing so I can track who his talking to. I have even been known to causally ask who his is talking to, record the time, then go into detailed billing so I can put names to numbers). But all of these 'people' live in different states or countries (had to put a block on that!), and he has never met them. As far as I'm concerned, they are not "real" friends. But he now has a friend that you can reach out and touch, see, hear and smell! I have met this friend so I know he is real and I have even been to the friends house and met his parents! Oh happy days!

SpongeBob's On!

"It's 7:30 and SpongeBob's on" This is the statement that I utter every morning Monday through Friday.

"It's 7:30 and SpongeBob's on" I utter this statement as I am knocking on FS#2's door to wake him up so he can make the bus.

"It's 7:30 and SpongeBob's on" Keep in mind FS#2 is 16, a little old for Spongebob, but that is where he is emotionally--about 12. His favorite programs are Spongebob, iCarly, and other programs aired on Nick and Disney channels. And when I make the announcement that SpongeBob's on he gets up, runs down the stairs, throws himself in the recliner and squeals "SpongeBob's on!"

When FS#2 first moved in, he was a pro at getting himself up and ready for school. After 3 months not so much, as I documented in a previous post. A similar thing happen with FS#1. Though the routine was different. "Time to get up" [Silence] "Time to get up" [Silence] (repeat at least 2 more times) "I'm not leaving here until I hear feet hit floor and see your smiling face" Eventually the door cracks open and my job is done.

So why do I think this happens? Is it because I'm being soft, allowing myself to be taken advantage of or some other form of control by the kids that screams lack of discipline in my house?

I don't think so. I was complaining telling one of my co-workers the story about the morning routine with FS#1. Her response "Isn't it nice that yours is the first face he sees in the morning" Well that statement certainly brought me up short and caused me to think. Could it be that this child who has made it a habit to reject every caretaker he has had in his life is doing this to give me the chance to nurture him? A way to nurture him that does not involve any verbal, physical or emotional expressions of love? A way to nurture him that his hurt mind can accept? Hmmmm something to think about.

I read an article by Claudia Fletcher titled "Retracing Developmental Stages to Help Older Children Heal". In the article she outlines some of the developmental stages adoptive families can expect to see as the older child integrates into the family. My take home message? Parent the child where they are and not where you think they should be.

I received some confirmation that I might be on the right track with FS#1 when he announced during Christmas break from college that I am the only person who can seem to get him up in the morning. My translation of this statement, I'm the only person he trusts enough. A little background history with FS#1, when he first came into care, he literally barricaded himself in his room, he slept with a light on and peed in containers in his room so he didn't have to come out at night. Clearly in his world, bad things happen at night in his bedroom. Flash forward, he now only locks his door (and not all the time), doesn't need a night light and gets up to use the toilet in the middle of the night.

So if showing them that I love them and care about them means I have to get them up every single school day, then that's what I'll do.

"It's 7:30 and SpongeBob's on"